FullyFun.in: Where Fun Never Ends

Boyz Will Be Boyz

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:47:08 +0530

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

No Kicking Please

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 11:04:27 +0530

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Cast Away

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 01:07:01 +0530

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

What is Marketing?

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 23:40:09 +0530

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say: 'I'm fantastic in bed' - That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says: 'He's fantastic in bed' - That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say: 'Hi, I'm fantastic in bed' - That�s Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say: 'By the way, I'm fantastic in bed' - That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: 'I hear you're fantastic in bed' - That's Brand Recognition.

Shouldn't Date your Sister

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 19:57:40 +0530

A guy went up to his father saying:
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father".

Miracle Drug

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 00:15:05 +0530

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history".

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!

"Well, I'm glad to hear that", says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

DOST

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 17:54:33 +0530

1, RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:

Maa - Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
Papa - Beta Kiska Hai.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.

2. RESULT AGAR BURA HO:

Maa - Aag lage is mobile main.
Papa - Laad pyar ne bigaar diya.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.

3. BIRTHDAY PER:

Maa - Jug jug jiye mera beta.
Papa - Hamesha aage barrhe.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.

4. LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PER:

Maa - Beta Bhool ja usko.
Papa - Mard ban.
Dost - Chal Daaru Peete hain.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Duniya badal jati hai par DOST kabhi nahin badalte...

Banned on the Aeroplane

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 17:54:08 +0530

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go! This one's empty... no-one's looking... you go in first.
It's a bit cramped - let me sit down. Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff... sniff...

"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker; then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet, we know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations!Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

....and what were you thinking?

Puppies For Sale

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 22:03:19 +0530

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy.

"Mister", he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well", said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look."

"Sure", said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle, Here, Dolly! he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one", the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself To a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

Riding a Bike

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 21:43:18 +0530

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "MY bike."

The Native American

Mon, 30 May 2011 20:37:29 +0530

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

Where are the lawyers?

Mon, 30 May 2011 20:36:21 +0530

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

Dear Wife, Dear Husband

Fri, 27 May 2011 22:42:42 +0530

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Try to Guess it !!

Sat, 21 May 2011 23:00:41 +0530

Lawyer asked to the Lady, "How was your first marriage terminated?"

The lady replied, "By death."

Lawyer asked again, "Well, by whose death was it terminated?"

Lady replied, "Non-sense.!!"

The lawyer asked again, "At east try to guess it".

The Blonde Accident

Thu, 19 May 2011 21:17:37 +0530

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Angrily, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny?

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

The Dog who Plays Chess

Sun, 15 May 2011 10:04:16 +0530

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Three Guys Riding in a Car

Fri, 13 May 2011 20:32:22 +0530

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

A New Way of Taking Rest

Thu, 05 May 2011 22:34:18 +0530

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep......Can I come with him tomorrow?

Just how could you make a full suit

Thu, 05 May 2011 22:33:50 +0530

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Special Chemical Mixture

Mon, 02 May 2011 20:55:26 +0530

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.

"Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.

"It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock."

Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."

So little Johnny handed the test tube over.

The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes- Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.

"Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."

Curious Thirteen

Mon, 02 May 2011 20:55:08 +0530

A bright young man was walking down a road in his neighborhood and, as he walked past a red building with a tall white fence around it, he heard a crowd of people chanting "Twelve, twelve, twelve" over and over again...

Curiosity getting the best of him, he tried to look up over the fence to see what was going on but it was too tall. Alas, he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He had just managed to see some old people sitting on lawn chairs chanting when a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye! As he staggered back, the old people began chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."

Populate the Earth

Mon, 02 May 2011 20:50:46 +0530

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Wear something to match our husband's hair

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 21:06:59 +0530

Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.

"We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.

"Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."

A Question of Billing

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 17:38:45 +0530

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

How about giving a senior citizen a break?

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 19:57:05 +0530

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

Who Does What

Tue, 19 Apr 2011 19:51:47 +0530

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ "HEBREWS".

She is my Girlfriend and ...

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 17:31:19 +0530

In a school function A kindergarten boy started closing his ears with both hands, ...when girl was about to start her speech ...
Others asked him Why are you closing your ears?
He replied: Dude, She is my Girlfriend and She is gonna start her speech with
.
.
.
.
.
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My Dear Brothers n Sisters ... ;)

Rajnikanth Special

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 21:08:11 +0530

Once upon a time Rajnikanth used a tooth powder to get strong teeth, today that powder is used as AMBUJA CEMENT

Once Rajnikanth was playing Cricket and Rain Stopped due to Heavy Play

Once Rajnikanth gone for a walk and after one hour police arrested him. Do you know why? He reached USA and was not having Entry Visa with him.

Rajnikanth was practicing for spelling test. The rough sheet he used is today known as the oxford dictionary!!

Hrithik tried to participate in a dance competition with Rajnikanth. Result: He is in a wheel chair in Gujarish.

Rajnikanth was once told to choose 3 subjects when he got admission in jr.college��. He chose science,arts and commerce!!!!!!!

Rajnikanth can make calls from his iPod to his iPad�!!!

One night, while asleep, Rajnikanth was mumbling some random numbers... That�s how the Log table was invented.

One day Rajnikanth bunked school. Since then it is known as Sunday

Once Rajnikanth was on the hot seat of KBC.... And the computer needed lifeline to choose the question. Mind it!

Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Rajini: Rascala, how do you think the earth spins!?

Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything. Rajni: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET??

All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did� Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating? Rajni: DOSA

Shoe for Good Luck

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 13:25:17 +0530

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe."

Sex on the Beach

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:24:13 +0530

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel.

As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".

Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"

Husband replies, "You're right, let�s go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach.

All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them, "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"

Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

The Winning Toast

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 12:21:02 +0530

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darling wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

I Invited a Friend Home for Dinner

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 11:14:17 +0530

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Funny Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

The Rope was not Strong Enough

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 11:58:09 +0530

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

A Year Without Toilet

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 23:01:39 +0530

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.

She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC..

In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'WaysideChurch' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.

It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.

This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
------------------------------------------------------------

The Woman fainted reading the reply.......and she never visited India !!!

Secret of Success

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:23:07 +0530

A young reporter was given the opportunity to interview a very successful, very wealthy banker. The reporter asked him, "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said "Two words, young man."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." he responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

The banker replied with a wry smile, "Wrong decisions."

Always Remember Those Who Serve

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 13:54:42 +0530

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and Studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on The table and walked away The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, Were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had To have enough left to leave her a tip.

A Profound Answer

Sat, 12 Mar 2011 21:18:56 +0530

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make?" (She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

"I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

"You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table)

"I make kids wonder.

"I make them question.

"I make them apologize and mean it.

"I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

"I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.

"I make them read, read, read.

"I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.

"I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

"I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

"Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life." (Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant. You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

"What do you make Mr. CEO?"

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

One Hole Behind

Sat, 12 Mar 2011 21:17:52 +0530

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you Please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I. What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell WHISPER (sanitary napkins)."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

A Newcomer to the Politics

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 15:55:06 +0530

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the Loksabha elections Outside a ramshackle house, he saw Banta milking a cow. He approached him, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, Santa called from inside the house. "Oye, Banteya, get in the house. And who is that guy you are talking to?"
"Says he is a politician" Banta said.
"In that case, you do better bring the cow inside with you."

She could Love You, My Son

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 12:01:27 +0530

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

You need to join the Army of the Lord

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 12:39:33 +0530

A guy was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed him by the hand and pulled him aside and said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The guy said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Are you the landlord?

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 11:57:38 +0530

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".

When I die I will dig my way up

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 13:39:59 +0530

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Prostate Exam - Thai Style

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 01:43:12 +0530

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Man and Money

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 14:55:35 +0530

When without money, eats wild vegetables at home

When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

When without money, rides bicycle;
When has money, rides exercise machine.

When without money, walks to earn food
When has money, walks to lose the fat

Man O Man! never fails to deceive thyself

When without money, wishes to get married;
When has money, wishes to get divorced.

When without money, wife becomes secretary;

When has money, secretary becomes wife.

When without money, acts like rich man;
When has money, acts like poor man.

Man, O Man, never can tell the simple truth !

Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;

Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
Says gambling & drinking is bad but keeps indulging;

Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!

Trouble at the Local Bar ...

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:04:49 +0530

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Never Lie to your Wife

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 23:49:02 +0530

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on theback of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

I'll Never Forget the First Day

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 11:35:22 +0530

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

We only met a half hour ago

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 15:13:26 +0530

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account.

Hiring only Married Men

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 11:46:31 +0530

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Have you seen Eileen?

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 11:52:33 +0530

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

Let us make a new beginning?

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:18:09 +0530

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Why aren't you drinking?

Sun, 13 Feb 2011 18:40:49 +0530

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

How could it happen?

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 11:27:47 +0530

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

A Naughty Child ...

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 17:23:41 +0530

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,

The boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Vocabulary Genius

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 00:03:13 +0530

Read the sentence below carefully:

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the nth word is n letters long

E.g.: 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on

A Woman's Electronic Hair Dryer

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 13:19:19 +0530

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman�s electronic hair dryer for my mother�s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I�m afraid they�ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

The Fourth Affair

Fri, 21 Jan 2011 18:03:49 +0530

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The Great Frank

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 18:11:32 +0530

A man stops and gets into the taxi.
The cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.' and drives.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. That SOB died and I married his wife."

Casino Evil

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 19:38:24 +0530

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes," the gambler concedes.

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good or bad isn't up to him. By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an 8."

Milk Cocktail

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 21:02:45 +0530

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."

Your family must be pleased!

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 23:14:46 +0530

An old man buys hearing aids from a doctor.

Doctor: Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased.

Old Man: Oh, I haven�t told my family yet. I just sit around them and listen to their conversations. In a month, I�ve changed my will three times!

I knew I could count on you

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 11:18:57 +0530

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Women vs Men Perception

Wed, 15 Dec 2010 18:56:49 +0530

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home, he lit the candles around the house and afterward talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill, so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour, and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

The Duck and the Devil

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 13:15:34 +0530

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

He Practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting A little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was Walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck Square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see His sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the Dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in The kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go Fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make Supper."

Sally just smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told Me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally Went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, He finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long You would let Sally make a slave of you."

Uniqueness of the English

Tue, 05 Oct 2010 11:32:53 +0530

Professor Ernest Brennecke of Columbia is credited with inventing a sentence that can be made to have eight different meanings by placing ONE WORD in all possible positions in the sentence: "I hit him in the
eye yesterday."

The Query: What is this word?

The Answer: The word is "ONLY".

The Message:
1.ONLY I hit him in the eye yesterday. (No one else did.)
2.I ONLY hit him in the eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.)
3.I hit ONLY him in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.)
4.I hit him ONLY in the eye yesterday. (I did not hit outside the eye.)
5.I hit him in ONLY the eye yesterday. (Not other organs.)
6.I hit him in the ONLY eye yesterday. (He doesn't have another eye.)
7.I hit him in the eye ONLY yesterday. (Not today.)
8.I hit him in the eye yesterday ONLY. (Did not wait for today.)

You are too Drunk

Sat, 02 Oct 2010 00:05:20 +0530

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

A man is dating three women...

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 17:41:57 +0530

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Community Service

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 20:55:41 +0530

There was a good old barber in Bangalore . One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there ...

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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of Forwarded mail mentioning about free hair cut with the google map showing the shop.

What are they searching for?

Sat, 14 Aug 2010 17:13:42 +0530

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

The Cat in Heaven

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:43:29 +0530

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

Fight Between Man and Wife

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 21:13:26 +0530

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Financial Management

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 18:34:44 +0530

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

Success Breeds Success

Sat, 31 Jul 2010 13:48:55 +0530

There was a farmer who grew superior quality, award-winning corn in his farm. Each year, he entered his corn in the state fair where it won honors and Prizes.

One year a newspaper reporter interviewed him and learned something interesting about how he grew his corn.

The reporter discovered that the farmer shared his seed corn with his neighbors.

"How can you afford to share your best seed corn with your neighbors when they are entering corn in competition with yours each year?" -The reporter asked.

"Why brother" the farmer replied, "Didn't you know? The wind picks up pollen grains from the ripening corn and swirls it from field to field.

If my neighbors grow inferior, sub-standard and poor quality corn, cross-pollination will steadily degrade the quality of my corn. If I have to grow good corn, I must help my neighbors to grow good corns." The farmer gave a superb insight into the connectedness of life.

His corn cannot improve unless his neighbor's corn also improves. So it is in the other dimensions and areas of life!

Those who choose to be in harmony must help their neighbors and colleagues to be at peace. Those who choose to live well must help others live well.

The value of a life is not measured by how long one lived it is measured by how many lives it touches.

Presence of Mind

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 17:42:37 +0530

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?". To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!".

The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".

To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

A Sad love Story ...

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 23:59:06 +0530

A guy was deeply in love with his classmate. One day he proposed her by saying that he loved her a lot....

But she was angry and refused and threatened him that she'd complain to the Principal if he ever bothers her again.

One day the girl borrowed a text book from that boy and wrote a message "I love you too, I'm sorry to hurt you the other day. If you've forgiven me, please come and talk to me and never leave me." in that book.

But the guy never talked to her.

4 yrs went away and nothing has happened..

Moral of the story:

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Engineering boys never open their books :(

Clever Girls

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:22:27 +0530

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"

The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

Interesting Approach

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 13:19:23 +0530

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

(YOU"RE GONNA LOVE THIS ANSWER) .........
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To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Control Over Wife

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 13:34:26 +0530

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" They asked. She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".

Genie Miracle

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:05:46 +0530

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, a and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies ... !!!"

Daddy's Car in the Woods?

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 00:56:32 +0530

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods..Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it to night.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs....'

Mummy fainted ... !!

What do you do all day?

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 19:39:40 +0530

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes, ' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it...'

this is priceless...

Objective of Life

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 15:30:29 +0530

Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge ?
Student: shaadi..!!!!!!
Teacher: nahi,mera matlab hai kya banoge?
Student: dulha.!!!!!!!!!!!
Teacher: oh,i mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?
Student: dulhan
Teacher: IDIOTmera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge?
Student- bahu launga
Teacher: stupid tumare papa tumse kya chahte hai?
Student: pota
Teacher: he bhagwan, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?
Student: hum do humare do, jab tak teasra nahi ho...!!!

Fern and Bamboo

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:18:48 +0530

One day I wanted to quit�my job, my relationship, my spirituality�my life. I went to the woods�And there I met a farmer.
"Sir", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me�"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo."
"In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo."
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit."

"In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo see. I would not quit." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant�
But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive." He said to me. "Did you know that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. You should never quit on yourself."
"Don�t compare yourself to others." He said.
"The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", he said to me. "You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned
"Yes." He said, "Give glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that we should never give up. NEVER EVER !!!

Men and Women - The Ultimate Facts

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 12:55:52 +0530

The Ultimate Facts:

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Deserving Reward

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 00:20:41 +0530

One day George Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Bush.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Bush.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped! "

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

It Works Honestly ...

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 15:44:46 +0530

When Time is Running Good, Your Mistakes are Taken as Jokes.....!! !

But.........

When Your Time is Running Bad, All Your Jokes are Noticed as Mistakenly.. .!!!

"This Moment is Not Permanent In Life"

Read The Above Line Whenever You are Happy or Sad.
It Works HONESTLY .... !!!!

Psyciatrists v/s. Bartender

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 16:55:21 +0530

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So i went to a psychiatrist and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy...'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Dump those psychiatrists.. go have a drink & talk to your bartender :))

Garbage Truck

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 01:30:40 +0530

One day, I hopped into a taxi and took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly, a black car, jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed the brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck' He explained, "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. NEVER take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on with the routine life." Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so...... 'Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't'.

An Arab

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 13:10:36 +0530

Arab person sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,

I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all My Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

What is Tension?

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 04:04:19 +0530

Ek sunder si ladki ne sirf aapse lift maangi

raste me uski tabiyat kharab ho gai

aap use hospital le gaye

doctor bola - ap baap banne wale ho

'lo ji ho gayi tension'

aap bole main iska baap nhi hoon

phir ladki boli yahi iska baap hai

'aur tension'

phir police aayi, aapka medical checkup hua

report aayi ki aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte..

'aapko aur tension'

par apne uparwale ka shukriya adaa kiya aur ap khushi khushi baahar aa gaye..

aur phir socha ki

"mere ghar par jo 2 bachhe hain, wo kiske hain?"

Loving Husband

Sun, 30 May 2010 01:05:30 +0530

A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Why Wedding Dresses of Brides are White

Mon, 24 May 2010 00:13:40 +0530

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout, he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies: 'WHITE'. He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc etc.

Then he tells the son : 'Son, all household appliances comes in white.'

I am Thankful !!

Sun, 16 May 2010 01:39:44 +0530

I am thankful:

for the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, and not out with someone else

for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes because it means she is at home, not on the streets.

for the taxes i pay because it means i am employed.

for the mess to clean after a party because it means i have been surrounded by friends.

for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means i have enough to eat.

for my shadow that watches me work because it means i am out in the sunshine

for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means i have a home.

for all the complaining i hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.

for the parking spot i find at the far end of the parking lot because it means i am capable of walking and i have been blessed with transportation.

for my huge heating bill because it means i am warm.

for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means i can hear.

for the pile of laundry and ironing because it means i have clothes to wear.

for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means i have been capable of working hard.

for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means i am alive.

and finally, for too much e-mail because it means i have friends who are thinking of me.

live well, laugh often and love with all of your heart !

Have a Wonderful Day !!

Explainations ...

Sun, 02 May 2010 18:11:35 +0530

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Every-time'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

3. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

4. Anger management?

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Men vs Women Chatting

Sun, 02 May 2010 03:34:45 +0530

Women are chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and after-wards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour � and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Grab the Opportunity

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 00:32:54 +0530

A young man wished to marry the farmer's beautiful daughter. He went to the farmer to ask his permission. The farmer looked at him and said, "Son, go stand out in that field. I'm going to release three bulls, one at a time. If you can catch the tail of any one of the three bulls, you can marry my daughter."

The young man stood in the field awaiting the first bull. The barn door opened and out came the biggest, meanest looking bull he had ever seen.. He decided that one of the next bulls had to be a better choice than this one, so he ran over to the side and let the bull pass through.

The barn door opened again. Unbelievable. He had never seen anything so big and fierce in his life. It stood pawing the ground, it eyed him. Whatever the next bull was like, it had to be a better choice than this one he thought. He ran to the fence and let the bull pass through.

The door opened a third time. A smile came across his face. This was the weakest bull he had ever seen. This one was his bull, he said to himself. As the bull came running by, he positioned himself just right and jumped at just the exact moment. He threw his hands to grab..... But alas..... The bull had no tail.

*Moral: Life is full of opportunities. Always grab the first one*

A Little Message that should set you Thinking

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 01:10:21 +0530

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 Bill?"
Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it? "

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money,

you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

You are special - Don't ever forget it!

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams"

A Smart Old Lady

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:58:36 +0530

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

This Explains Men's Life Completely

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 00:35:49 +0530

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years"

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years"

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years"

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it"

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Oracle's Real Life Q & A

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 01:28:04 +0530

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'

Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved !'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theater full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of table-space!'

Do you Like TV?

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:45:48 +0530

A teacher from Primary School asks her students to write a essay about what they would like God to do for them...

At the end of the day, while marking the essays, she read one that made her very emotional.

Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked her:- 'What happened?'

She answered- 'Read this. It's one of my students essays.'

'Oh God, tonight I ask you something very special: Make me into a television. I want to take its place:
Live like the TV in my house. Have my own special place, And have my family around ME. To be taken seriously when I talk....
I want to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV receives when it is not working. Have the company of my dad when he arrives home from work, even when he is tired.

And I want my mom to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me... And... I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want to feel that family just leaves everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me. And last but not least make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them...

Lord I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV.'

At that moment the husband said:- 'My God, poor kid. What horrible parents!'

The wife looked up at him and said:- 'That essay is our son's ..... !!!!'

Interesting Application Letters

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 00:49:28 +0530

An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

To one of the Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

A letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

HR Manager Love Letter

Sun, 11 Apr 2010 22:22:25 +0530

Dearest Ms. XXXX

Sub: Offer of love

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take! up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sisters and friends (female), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
HR Manager�

Common Sense is Not so Common

Sun, 11 Apr 2010 01:47:35 +0530

There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter."

Blessing on the Birthday

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 02:42:05 +0530

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'.

Never Lie to your Wife

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 01:01:27 +0530

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

Computer Setup and Password

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:17:48 +0530

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in ......

P
E
N
I
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD: REJECTED.... ... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Power of Prayer

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 23:13:10 +0530

A cruise ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayers were more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.

The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and! he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife.. The next day, there was a woman who swam to his side of the land.
On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,"the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

Unmarried Girl

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 01:43:19 +0530

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared??..She confides this 'news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you? I want to know!".

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, If there is a miscarriage or unsuccessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You Can Try Again !!"

Understanding Beloved Women: You Decide

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:28:09 +0530

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide ...
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you.
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... For such a short distance ..
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather ..
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide ...
Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

Understanding Beloved Women: Anything

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:26:54 +0530

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time.
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink ...
Women: I am off caffeine.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

Understanding Beloved Women: Whatever

Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:25:22 +0530

Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don't we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time I got pimples on my face
Men: All right, why don't we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?
Men: Hmmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

Secret of Young Age

Sat, 20 Mar 2010 04:21:54 +0530

One lady is telling to a girl, �Do you know what the secret of being young is?

The girl told, �May be take care of skin�.

The lady told, �No, the secret of being young is sleep the right numbers of hours, go with the right crowed, eat right food and tell the WRONG AGE.�

Never Pretend to be Married

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:54:50 +0530

A man & woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. Though initially embarrassed & uneasy over sharing a room, the 2 were tired fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk & she in the lower.

At 2:00AM, he leaned over & gently wakes the woman, saying, "Maam, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I've a better idea" she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

She says: ok "Get up & take it yourself".

Colonoscopy

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:15:17 +0530

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, The asshole is usually in charge.

Before Marriage I'm Also ...

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:12:57 +0530

A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked: Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much?

Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly: You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.

Awesome Revenge

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:11:43 +0530

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,�

Er...excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you? "

She responds in a loud voice: �NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!�

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says," You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT !!! THREE THOUSAND RUPEES.!!! THAT'S TOO MUCH !"

A Jealous Wife

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:21:39 +0530

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Make my Hair look like Yours

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:21:06 +0530

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.
"How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"Listen lady, I"m a rich man but I haven"t been able to solve my balding problem," the guy explained, "I went for a hair transplant but I couldn"t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I"ll pay you Rs. 1,00,000."
"No problem," said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.

Women choice in Husband Store

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 00:51:56 +0530

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

A Cat and A Man

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:00:32 +0530

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said,"Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home" !!!

Missing Husband

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:34:18 +0530

Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: suit/casuals I don�t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together�. And the lady started crying�..
Inspector: Let�s search for the dog first .... !!!

Sachin's Double Century Appraisal by IT Manager

Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:21:27 +0530

A typical appraisal from corporate perspective�

200 Runs/ 147Balls/ 25X4 / 3X6

Agree you have done GREAT ... BUT BUT BUT BUT

25 x 4s = 100
3 x 6s = 18

It implies that you have done 118 Runs in 28 Balls.

And 12 x 2s = 24
58 x 1s = 58

It means you have done all 200 Runs in only 98 balls

So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls

Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable RUNS FOR OUR TEAM.

Grade: C

Why I Fired my Secretary

Sat, 27 Feb 2010 23:53:51 +0530

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.

Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet,said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know,it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change and freshen up"

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

A Couple

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:23:11 +0530

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with everyone he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars for a little workout. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Shave or not to Shave

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:21:33 +0530

A married man was visiting his 'girlfriend' when she requested that he shave his beard: 'Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.'
James replied, 'My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!'
'Oh please?' the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
'Oh really, I can't,' he replies 'My wife loves this beard!!'
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in.
That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she is sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies 'Oh Tom, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon'.

It's a Small World

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 23:51:08 +0530

George decides to take his boss Sam to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

George offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

George said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress.

Sam just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf.

Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

George asked, "What's wrong?"

Sam replies, "It's a small, small world George, and you're fired".

Whats the Difference?

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:46:49 +0530

Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT;
woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION;
woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD;
woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE;
woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY;
woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

That's it!!!

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While women are still STUCK with shopping .... !!!

Effects of Alcohol

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:44:53 +0530

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. �Now, class. Observe closely the worms,� said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

�Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?� the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded�

�Drink whiskey and you won�t get worms!�

Sales Executive

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 23:55:48 +0530

Boss to Sales Executive: Get 5 lacs business by today evening anyhow.
Sales Executive:That's Impossible Sir!
Boss: What Impossible? Impossible word itself says I'm possible.

In Evening...,
Executive: Boss, I got 10 lacs business.
Boss: Great! How come this miracle happened?
Executive: I cheated the client.
Boss: That's Immoral.
Executive: What Immoral? Immoral word itself says I'm moral.

Did you have a fight with your wife?

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 01:12:31 +0530

Santa walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."

He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.

Bartender says to Santa, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"

Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"

The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"

Santa replied, "Well today's the last day!"

HR Manager Love Letter

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 22:09:51 +0530

Man Without Bad Habits

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:00:59 +0530

Once a man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money.
The man ignored him.. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him. He told the beggar, 'I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you.'
'I would have bought a cup of tea', replied the beggar.
The man said, 'Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea'.
He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, 'I don't smoke as it is injurious to health.
'The man smiled and took a bottle of whiskey from his pocket and told the beggar, 'Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. Its really good'.
The beggar refused by saying, 'Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver'.
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, 'I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets.
'If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone'. As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, 'Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.' Suddenly the man felt relieved!! And asked the beggar to come to his home with him.
Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man.. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, 'Why do you want me to go to your house with you'.
The man replies ... 'I always wanted to show my wife how a man with no Bad habits looks like'.

Something You Just Can't Explain

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:35:38 +0530

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.

A man comes in and asks the farmer,

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try and answer,

"Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"Try me" the man says.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope.

Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Ok so 2 buckets of milk spilled. That still isn't that bad."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued.

"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.

Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

"Like I said! Some things you just can't explain."

Veterinary Doctor

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:06:43 +0530

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said:
Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period..
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man: I know very well Doctor and that is why I have come to you only...
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:
Doctor: OK. Tell me.
Man:
I sleep like a dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife
Doctor: are you FROM Mumbai ?
Man: Yes
Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are FROM Mumbai .. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

The Secret to a Happy Married Life

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 22:44:23 +0530

Once I was asked by my Friend, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked, "Can you explain?"

I said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions."

Still not convinced, Friend asked me "Give me some examples"

I said," Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

He asked, "Then what is your role?"

I said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, Telangana state should be formed in India or Not.. etc etc and Do you know one thing,

My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these"��!!!!
We respect each others Decisions... !!

Women are much Better at Financial Planning than Men

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 23:50:48 +0530

Dan was a single man living at home with his widowed father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but soon, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Definitions of Designations

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:29:49 +0530

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

On-site Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that...a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

Luckiest Day

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 23:35:58 +0530

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including the priest erupted in laughter.... ...... all except the poor Groom!!

Watch Dogs

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:21:08 +0530

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Why did you give them names like that?"
The blonde responded, "What else would you name watch dogs?"

Three Blondes

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 01:58:04 +0530

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5, weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kick-boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?
The guy thinks about it a second and says, No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.

Jumping a Red Light

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:45:44 +0530

In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!".

Java Interview attended by Banta Singh

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:05:54 +0530

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and auto rickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish, I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a JavaScript?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. What is bean? Where it can be used?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.

Little Girl on a Plane

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 01:32:28 +0530

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Guardian Angel

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:10:16 +0530

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?

Distinction Between Two States of Mind

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:05:37 +0530

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health ). He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat Tyre down.

When he was about to fix the Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain... as he could not fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

A patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. Helpless, the driver told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 Tyre and fix it to this Tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

The Patient replied: "Hello, I�m here because I'm CRAZY, not STUPID!"

The Perfect Hubby

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 23:50:37 +0530

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models.... I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs. 40,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 2,50,00,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 2,25,00,000.... They will probably take it. If not, we can go for the extra amount.. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:

....................

......................

.......................

...................

"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

Self Appraisal

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:11:37 +0530

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your house and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

Deadly Scrabble

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 02:14:55 +0530

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

9 Months Later

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:03:26 +0530

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything........'

Responsibility

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:50:14 +0530

Forgiving or punishing the terrorists is left to God.
But, fixing their appointment with God is our responsibility
- Indian Army

Updated statement for this in S/W INDUSTRY........

.

.

Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager.
But, fixing their appointment with Manager is our responsibility
- Tester

hmmm... We all knew that .... but this one is for the finishing touch, damn good.

Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client.
But, fixing their appointment with Client is our responsibility
- Developer :)

Bijness is Business

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 23:08:21 +0530

One day in a school in London , a teacher said to a class of 5-year-old's:
"I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna , but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!

Legal or Logical

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:27:10 +0530

After having failed in his exam a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you Can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If You however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 Year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 Year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have Failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Mistakes

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:11:23 +0530

If a barber makes a mistake, Its a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a new path
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea.
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only.

Excellence

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:44:09 +0530

A German once visited a temple under construction where he saw a sculptor making an idol of God. Suddenly he noticed a similar idol lying nearby. Surprised, he asked the sculptor, "Do you need two statues of the same idol?" "No," said the sculptor without looking up, "We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage." The gentleman examined the idol and found no apparent damage. "Where is the damage?" he asked. "There is a scratch on the nose of the idol." said the sculptor, still busy with his work. "Where are you going to install the idol?"

The sculptor replied that it would be installed on a pillar twenty feet high.. "If the idol is that far, who is going to know that there is a scratch on the nose?" the gentleman asked. The sculptor stopped his work, looked up at the gentleman, smiled and said, "I will know it."

The desire to excel is exclusive of the fact whether someone else appreciates it or not. "Excellence" is a drive from inside, not outside. Excellence is not for someone else to notice but for your own satisfaction and efficiency...

Princess Melting Touch

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:39:13 +0530

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!

But there was a problem

Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

But The Question is: What was the object the prince had in the pocket?
.
.
.
.
.
They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Governance System

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:09:49 +0530

As a daily habit, the 10-year Old Pintu was reading newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "

"Its Like..." father said while thinking, "See! I earn and bring money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government' . That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?" .

That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the mattress so he was crying. Pintu went to wake-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Pintu went to the Maid's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping with the maid. So he came back with frustration.

Next morning father asked Pintu, " Hey Pintu Darling! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".

Pintu replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man is suffering!"

God is Watching

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:09:51 +0530

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

White Hair

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 01:01:24 +0530

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

How God Looks Like

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 02:20:30 +0530

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Whale and Hell

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 20:05:32 +0530

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Lord Dharamraj and Priest

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 02:26:55 +0530

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

Lord Dharamraj asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Banta Singh, taxi driver from New Delhi !

Lord Dharamraj consults his ledger, smiles & says to Banta Singh: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Sant Shiromani Baba so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Temple for the last 40 years.

Lord Dharamraj consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. How is that a foul mouthed, rash driving Taxi Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?

'Results my friend, Results,' shrugs Lord Dharamraj.

While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his taxi, people PRAYED.

Awesome Revenge

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:28:13 +0530

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,"Er...excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says," You see, I'm a RESEARCH student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "

The young man responds loudly with, �WHAT !!! THREE THOUSAND RUPEES.!!! THATS TOO MUCH!"

Night Kiss

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:15:20 +0530

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!�

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"...

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!�

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...�

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"

Husband and Wife

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:12:24 +0530

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?'
HUSBAND: .......?
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes'
HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6.'
WIFE: -- silence -
HUSBAND: shit...

Self Appraisal

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:05:35 +0530

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your house and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks"
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: "No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

May I Smoke

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:03:26 +0530

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Reducing the Phone Bills

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:27:55 +0530

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... on a Sunday morning... after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Jealous Wife

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 02:45:18 +0530

Nail in the Fence

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:27:17 +0530

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he
was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

9 Months Later

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:13:10 +0530

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything........'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... I know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Waqt Nahi

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:35:58 +0530

Har khushi Hai Logon Ke Daman Mein,
Par Ek Hansi Ke Liye Waqt Nahi.
Din Raat Daudti Duniya Mein,
Zindagi Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Maa Ki Lori Ka Ehsaas To Hai,
Par Maa Ko Maa Kehne Ka Waqt Nahi.
Saare Rishton Ko To Hum Maar Chuke,
Ab Unhe Dafnane Ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.

Saare Naam Mobile Mein Hain,
Par Dosti Ke Liye Waqt Nahi.
Gairon Ki Kya Baat Karen,
Jab Apno Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Aankhon Me Hai Neend Badee,
Par Sone Ka Waqt Nahi.
Dil Hai Gamon Se Bhara ,
Par Rone Ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.

Paison ki Daud Me Aise Daude,
Ki Thakne ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.
Paraye Ehsason Ki Kya Kadr Karein,
Jab Apne Sapno Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Tu Hi Bata E Zindagi,
Iss Zindagi Ka Kya Hoga,
Ki Har Pal Marne Walon Ko,
Jeene Ke Liye Bhi Waqt Nahi ...

Not ALL Rules can be Followed

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:36:05 +0530

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is ..."

Distinction Between Two States of Mind

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:34:18 +0530

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health ).He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat Tyre down.

When he was about to fix the Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he could not fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

A patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. Helpless, the driver told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it to this Tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

The Patient replied: "Hello, I�m here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Cigarette Jalao

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:26:10 +0530

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ...using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

Another deadly answer...
....
....
....
....
....
Answer: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer ...
....
....
....
....
....
Answer: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee." Us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee.
....
....
....
....
....
If that was not enough even up till now, one more deadly answer...
....
....
....
....
....
Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous and "jalney lagega"

Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:01:45 +0530

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.

You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job is located?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'

Join the Queue

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:42:01 +0530

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied ... "Please join the queue." ..........

A Short History of Medicine

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:45:37 +0530

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Santa and God

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:39:41 +0530

Four Catholic men and Santa were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the Santa was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!

Father and Son

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:11:22 +0530

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.

Train is about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down their seat.

As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".

Old man smile and admired son feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all the conversion between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of 25 years old man behaving like a small child.

Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with train".

Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.

Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the young man's hand.

He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.

He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is touching me, see papa".

Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man. "Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."

Old man said, "Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".

Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

Wonderful News

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 02:32:11 +0530

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

I am a Father

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:59:36 +0530

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Pain of a Married Man

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:42:28 +0530

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

Chicken Story

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:46:38 +0530

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all. Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Happiness from God !!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:27:47 +0530

I told GOD: Let all my friends be healthy and happy forever...!

GOD said: But for 4 days only....!

I said: Yes, let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Autumn Day, and Winter Day.

GOD said: 3 days..

I said: Yes, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

GOD said: No, 2 days!

I said: Yes, a Bright Day (Daytime) and Dark Day (Night-time).

GOD said: No, just 1 day!

I said: Yes!

GOD asked: Which day?

I said: Every Day in the living years of all my friends!

GOD laughed, and said: All your friends will be healthy and happy Every Day!

Send this to your friends and bless them with good health and happiness...

Richest Man in the Valley

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:42:21 +0530

A rich landowner named Carl often rode around his vast estate so he could congratulate himself on his great wealth.

One day while riding around his estate on his favorite horse, he saw Hans, an old tenant farmer. Hans was sitting under a tree when Carl rode by.

Hans said, 'I was just thanking God for my food.'
Carl protested, 'If that is all I had to eat, I wouldn't feel like giving thanks.'
Hans replied, 'God has given me everything I need, and I am thankful for it.'

The old farmer added, 'It is strange you should come by today because I had a dream last night. In my dream a voice told me, 'The richest man in the valley will die tonight.' I don't know what it means, but I thought I ought to tell you.'

Carl snorted, 'Dreams are nonsense,' and galloped away, but he could not forget Hans' words: 'The richest man in the valley will die tonight.'

He was obviously the richest man in the valley, so he invited his doctor to his house that evening.

Carl told the doctor what Hans had said. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the wealthy landowner, 'Carl, you are as strong and healthy as a horse. There is no way you are going to die tonight.'

Nevertheless, for assurance, the doctor stayed with Carl, and they played cards through the night.

The doctor left the next morning and Carl apologized for becoming so upset over the old man's dream.

At about nine o'clock, a messenger arrived at Carl's door.

'What is it?' Carl demanded.

The messenger explained, 'It's about old Hans. He died last night in his sleep.'

Mission Impossible

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:48:39 +0530

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?"

Ecstasy

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:14 +0530

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. Then, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It is too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. Moreover, he knew it would not be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again.

Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

Before and After Marriage

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:02:39 +0530

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.

Indian Jews

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 01:15:32 +0530

Seinfield and George went to an Indian Restaurant and asked the Indian waiter, "Hey, tell us, are there any Indian Jews from India."

Just a new immigrant waiter answered "Me don't know but sure ask cook". He came back with a guilty look and said, "Sorry no Indian Jews please."

George got upset and yelled, "Of course there are Indian Jews like every where else in the world. I don't trust you. At one time Jews never had a country so Jews grew everywhere and definitely there are Indian Jews."

Scared, trying to get visa, the waiter ran back to kitchen and came with a trembling voice, "Sir me ask everybody there, cook, other waiters, cleaning lady, manager, but apologies, we don't got no Indian Jews, but we have Mango Juice, Badam Pista Juice, Ice Cream Juice but no Indian Jews to drink, Sorry."

Wrong Email

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:49:09 +0530

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... . Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husbands funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widows son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: 16 May 2004
Subject: Ive Reached

I know you're surprised to hear from me. I landed here safely. They gave computer here and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones....

Ive just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Eagerly waiting for you!

Regards
Your hubby

Guns n Potatoes !!

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:07:38 +0530

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 am the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

Moral:
No matter where you are in the world, if you have decided to do something deep from your heart you can do it. It is the thought that matters not where you are or where the person is.

Big Fish

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:56:19 +0530

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.

The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.

The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

The Silent Treatment

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:50:32 +0530

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

Sacrifice

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:06:56 +0530

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman..

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all. So they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, She was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, All the men started clapping ...

Old Couple

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:24:12 +0530

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it �yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly:
"Mom didn�t allow me to go.......... .� :-) :-)

Marriage

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:57:01 +0530

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

And she said.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

"Then get up and take it yourself"!!

The Monkey King

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 04:14:17 +0530

One day long ago, some sailors set out to sea in their sailing ship. One of them brought his pet monkey along for the long journey.

When they were far out at sea, a terrible storm overturned their ship. Everyone fell into the sea, and the monkey was sure that he would drown. Suddenly a dolphin appeared and picked him up.

They soon reached the island and the monkey came down from the dolphin's back. The dolphin asked the monkey, "Do you know this place?"

The monkey replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, the king of the island is my best friend. Do you know that I am actually a prince?"

Knowing that no one lived on the island, the dolphin said, "Well, well, so you are a prince! Now you can be a king!"

The monkey asked, "How can I be a king?"

As the dolphin started swimming away, he answered, "That is easy. As you are the only creature on this island, you will naturally be the king!"

Sach Ka Saamna

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:44:28 +0530

Rahul's Dad brought home a robot one day.
The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.

Rahul returned late from school.
Dad asked, �Son why are you late from school?�
�Dad, we had extra classes today�.
Robot slapped Rahul on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
�Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments.�
Robot slapped Rahul on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Chameli Ki Jawaani".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved."
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Rahul's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband, "After all, he's your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.

Cough it Up

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:01:31 +0530

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a cafe in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the cafe without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept!"

Mystery Solved !!

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:49:44 +0530

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth".

Indians will be Indians..

So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!

Senior Dating

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:58:12 +0530

Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.

Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Don't Want to Go to School !!

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 02:09:40 +0530

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

How Management Works?

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:48:16 +0530

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired ?"

To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"

It's Called Decency

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:21:39 +0530

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

In a Doctor's Clinic

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:01:24 +0530

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Knowledge vs Expertise

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 01:35:37 +0530

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ...... ...... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

A Gujarati Funeral

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:53:49 +0530

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Sunitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts), please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Shantha.

PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.

Good Lover

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 23:19:10 +0530

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So, she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Married Couple

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 03:55:59 +0530

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

Loyal Wife

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:17:51 +0530

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me..'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Is This ... ?

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:16:28 +0530

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more."

"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

**** long pause***

|

|

v

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool ??? Is this 597-7039?"

Family Problems

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:36:00 +0530

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law."

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS?

Bachche aur Sir

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:51:44 +0530

Sir:- Bachcho kasam khao kabhi sharaab, cigarette nahi piyonge, Non veg nahi khaoge.
Bachche:- nahi karenge sir.

Sir:- Kabhi ladki ko nahi chhedonge.
Bachche:- theek hai sir.

Sir:- Jua nahi kheloge.
Bachche:- ok sir,

Sir:- Desh ke liye Jaan bhi de doge.

Bachche:- De denge sir, aisi jaan ka aur karenge bhi kya !!!!!

Position or Performance?

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:03:32 +0530

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai !

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ..

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God..

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.'

Let Him Dig

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 02:34:17 +0530

An old man and an old woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Don't Copy if you can't Paste

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:05:47 +0530

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

A Kiss to Remember

Sat, 30 May 2009 02:08:48 +0530

A San Francisco cabby picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to promise you are single and #2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when ! they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says,

"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party

Impact of Job Change

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:07:45 +0530

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......u can imagine what went into my mind when u touched my back!!

Husband's Email

Wed, 20 May 2009 01:23:53 +0530

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: January 31, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your Loving Hubby

Mind Your Language

Sat, 16 May 2009 03:42:39 +0530

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. John was ecstatic. Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer". The last of them was Ashley.

He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!!!!!!!........."

Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

Terrible Accident

Thu, 14 May 2009 01:40:02 +0530

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

She replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Stranded on a Desert Island

Mon, 11 May 2009 05:10:58 +0530

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

Horsback Riding

Sat, 09 May 2009 04:26:13 +0530

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

Confession

Thu, 07 May 2009 01:34:33 +0530

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest, "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy. Fortunately, you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues. So, I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?.... ..... Father?"

Suddenly, this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So, he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Old Age Love

Wed, 06 May 2009 00:47:20 +0530

An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck".

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"TO GET MY TEETH..!!!"

Checking Antecedents ..

Sat, 02 May 2009 03:17:01 +0530

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective"s report, which went like this:

"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she"s been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Consultant

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 02:04:35 +0530

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the Shepherd:

"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant
From a top-notch consultancy like ---------.

"How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew,
And third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Attitude is Everything

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 00:08:51 +0530

An old man lived alone in Minnesota.He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son,who would have helped him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to misdoing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot, for me if you weren't in the prison.

Love,
Dad

Shortly,the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden !!That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 a.m.the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad It's the best I could do for you from here."

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT,. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE.

Do you know?

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:12:02 +0530

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.
8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot
20. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.