FullyFun.in: Where Fun Never Ends

Jumping a Red Light

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:45:44 +0530

In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!".

Java Interview attended by Banta Singh

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:05:54 +0530

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and auto rickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish, I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other?
A. Sorry, Non living things can't communicate.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a JavaScript?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. What is bean? Where it can be used?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.

Little Girl on a Plane

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 01:32:28 +0530

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Guardian Angel

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 22:10:16 +0530

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?

Distinction Between Two States of Mind

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 02:05:37 +0530

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health ). He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat Tyre down.

When he was about to fix the Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain... as he could not fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

A patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. Helpless, the driver told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 Tyre and fix it to this Tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

The Patient replied: "Hello, I�m here because I'm CRAZY, not STUPID!"

The Perfect Hubby

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 23:50:37 +0530

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only Rs. 10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models.... I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs. 40,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking Rs. 2,50,00,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 2,25,00,000.... They will probably take it. If not, we can go for the extra amount.. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:

....................

......................

.......................

...................

"Anyone knows who this mobile belongs to?"

Self Appraisal

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 22:11:37 +0530

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your house and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

Deadly Scrabble

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 02:14:55 +0530

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

9 Months Later

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:03:26 +0530

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything........'

Responsibility

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 00:50:14 +0530

Forgiving or punishing the terrorists is left to God.
But, fixing their appointment with God is our responsibility
- Indian Army

Updated statement for this in S/W INDUSTRY........

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Forgiving or punishing the Developer is left to Manager.
But, fixing their appointment with Manager is our responsibility
- Tester

hmmm... We all knew that .... but this one is for the finishing touch, damn good.

Forgiving or punishing the Manager is left to Client.
But, fixing their appointment with Client is our responsibility
- Developer :)

Bijness is Business

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 23:08:21 +0530

One day in a school in London , a teacher said to a class of 5-year-old's:
"I'll give 10 pounds to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Paddy, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Then a Jewish boy put his hand up and said "David",
The Buddhist boy said "Gautama Buddha" and the Muslim boy said "Mohammed".
They all were not successful.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 10 pounds that I promised."
As the teacher was giving Jignesh his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're a Hindu Gujarati; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jignesh replied, "Yes. In my heart I knew it was Krishna , but Bijness is Bijness!!!!!

Legal or Logical

Sat, 23 Jan 2010 01:27:10 +0530

After having failed in his exam a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you Can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If You however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
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He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 Year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 Year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have Failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Mistakes

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 00:11:23 +0530

If a barber makes a mistake, Its a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, It is a new path
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake, It is a New idea.
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a Mistake Only.

Excellence

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:44:09 +0530

A German once visited a temple under construction where he saw a sculptor making an idol of God. Suddenly he noticed a similar idol lying nearby. Surprised, he asked the sculptor, "Do you need two statues of the same idol?" "No," said the sculptor without looking up, "We need only one, but the first one got damaged at the last stage." The gentleman examined the idol and found no apparent damage. "Where is the damage?" he asked. "There is a scratch on the nose of the idol." said the sculptor, still busy with his work. "Where are you going to install the idol?"

The sculptor replied that it would be installed on a pillar twenty feet high.. "If the idol is that far, who is going to know that there is a scratch on the nose?" the gentleman asked. The sculptor stopped his work, looked up at the gentleman, smiled and said, "I will know it."

The desire to excel is exclusive of the fact whether someone else appreciates it or not. "Excellence" is a drive from inside, not outside. Excellence is not for someone else to notice but for your own satisfaction and efficiency...

Princess Melting Touch

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:39:13 +0530

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess!

But there was a problem

Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

But The Question is: What was the object the prince had in the pocket?
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They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Governance System

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:09:49 +0530

As a daily habit, the 10-year Old Pintu was reading newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "

"Its Like..." father said while thinking, "See! I earn and bring money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government' . That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?" .

That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the mattress so he was crying. Pintu went to wake-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Pintu went to the Maid's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping with the maid. So he came back with frustration.

Next morning father asked Pintu, " Hey Pintu Darling! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".

Pintu replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying for not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man is suffering!"

God is Watching

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:09:51 +0530

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

White Hair

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 01:01:24 +0530

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

How God Looks Like

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 02:20:30 +0530

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Whale and Hell

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 20:05:32 +0530

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Lord Dharamraj and Priest

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 02:26:55 +0530

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

Lord Dharamraj asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Banta Singh, taxi driver from New Delhi !

Lord Dharamraj consults his ledger, smiles & says to Banta Singh: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Sant Shiromani Baba so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Temple for the last 40 years.

Lord Dharamraj consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven .

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. How is that a foul mouthed, rash driving Taxi Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?

'Results my friend, Results,' shrugs Lord Dharamraj.

While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his taxi, people PRAYED.

Awesome Revenge

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:28:13 +0530

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,"Er...excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says," You see, I'm a RESEARCH student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "

The young man responds loudly with, �WHAT !!! THREE THOUSAND RUPEES.!!! THATS TOO MUCH!"

Night Kiss

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:15:20 +0530

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!�

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"...

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!�

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...�

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours.... TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"

Husband and Wife

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:12:24 +0530

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?'
HUSBAND: .......?
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would she wear my shoes'
HUSBAND: 'No, her size is 6.'
WIFE: -- silence -
HUSBAND: shit...

Self Appraisal

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:05:35 +0530

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep your house and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks"
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: "No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is what we call "Self Appraisal"

May I Smoke

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:03:26 +0530

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

Reducing the Phone Bills

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:27:55 +0530

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... on a Sunday morning... after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Jealous Wife

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 02:45:18 +0530

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Nail in the Fence

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 00:27:17 +0530

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he
was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say "I'm sorry", the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

9 Months Later

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:13:10 +0530

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything........'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... I know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Waqt Nahi

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 00:35:58 +0530

Har khushi Hai Logon Ke Daman Mein,
Par Ek Hansi Ke Liye Waqt Nahi.
Din Raat Daudti Duniya Mein,
Zindagi Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Maa Ki Lori Ka Ehsaas To Hai,
Par Maa Ko Maa Kehne Ka Waqt Nahi.
Saare Rishton Ko To Hum Maar Chuke,
Ab Unhe Dafnane Ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.

Saare Naam Mobile Mein Hain,
Par Dosti Ke Liye Waqt Nahi.
Gairon Ki Kya Baat Karen,
Jab Apno Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Aankhon Me Hai Neend Badee,
Par Sone Ka Waqt Nahi.
Dil Hai Gamon Se Bhara ,
Par Rone Ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.

Paison ki Daud Me Aise Daude,
Ki Thakne ka Bhi Waqt Nahi.
Paraye Ehsason Ki Kya Kadr Karein,
Jab Apne Sapno Ke Liye Hi Waqt Nahi.

Tu Hi Bata E Zindagi,
Iss Zindagi Ka Kya Hoga,
Ki Har Pal Marne Walon Ko,
Jeene Ke Liye Bhi Waqt Nahi ...

Not ALL Rules can be Followed

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:36:05 +0530

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is ..."

Distinction Between Two States of Mind

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 23:34:18 +0530

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health ).He discovered a flat Tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat Tyre down.

When he was about to fix the Tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he could not fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

A patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. Helpless, the driver told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem.... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it to this Tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones. Easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

The Patient replied: "Hello, I�m here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Cigarette Jalao

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:26:10 +0530

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ...using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

Another deadly answer...
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Answer: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer ...
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Answer: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) "TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee." Us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee.
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....
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If that was not enough even up till now, one more deadly answer...
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Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous and "jalney lagega"

Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 04:01:45 +0530

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.

You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job is located?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'

Join the Queue

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 00:42:01 +0530

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." The inquisitive man asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied ... "Please join the queue." ..........

A Short History of Medicine

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:45:37 +0530

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Santa and God

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:39:41 +0530

Four Catholic men and Santa were having coffee.

And, this is how the conversation went:

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father'.

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Grace'.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says, 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him, 'Your Holiness'.

Since the Santa was sipping his coffee in silence, the four men give him a subtle, 'Well...?'

He replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, pretty, tall and 36-24-36. When she walks into a room, people say, ....... 'OH, GOD' !!

Father and Son

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 01:11:22 +0530

One old man was sitting with his 25 years old son in the train.

Train is about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down their seat.

As train started young man was filled with lot of joy and curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He went out one hand and feeling the passing air. He shouted, "Papa see all trees are going behind".

Old man smile and admired son feelings.

Beside the young man one couple was sitting and listing all the conversion between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of 25 years old man behaving like a small child.

Suddenly young man again shouted, "Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with train".

Couple was watching the young man in embarrassingly.

Now its start raining and some of water drops touches the young man's hand.

He filled with joy and he closed the eyes.

He shouted again," Papa it's raining, water is touching me, see papa".

Couple couldn't help themselves and ask the old man. "Why don't you visit the Doctor and get treatment for your son."

Old man said, "Yes, We are coming from the hospital as Today only my son got his eye sight for first time in his life".

Moral: "Don't draw conclusions until you know all the facts".

Wonderful News

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 02:32:11 +0530

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

I am a Father

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:59:36 +0530

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Pain of a Married Man

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 01:42:28 +0530

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

Chicken Story

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:46:38 +0530

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all. Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Happiness from God !!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:27:47 +0530

I told GOD: Let all my friends be healthy and happy forever...!

GOD said: But for 4 days only....!

I said: Yes, let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Autumn Day, and Winter Day.

GOD said: 3 days..

I said: Yes, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

GOD said: No, 2 days!

I said: Yes, a Bright Day (Daytime) and Dark Day (Night-time).

GOD said: No, just 1 day!

I said: Yes!

GOD asked: Which day?

I said: Every Day in the living years of all my friends!

GOD laughed, and said: All your friends will be healthy and happy Every Day!

Send this to your friends and bless them with good health and happiness...

Richest Man in the Valley

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 20:42:21 +0530

A rich landowner named Carl often rode around his vast estate so he could congratulate himself on his great wealth.

One day while riding around his estate on his favorite horse, he saw Hans, an old tenant farmer. Hans was sitting under a tree when Carl rode by.

Hans said, 'I was just thanking God for my food.'
Carl protested, 'If that is all I had to eat, I wouldn't feel like giving thanks.'
Hans replied, 'God has given me everything I need, and I am thankful for it.'

The old farmer added, 'It is strange you should come by today because I had a dream last night. In my dream a voice told me, 'The richest man in the valley will die tonight.' I don't know what it means, but I thought I ought to tell you.'

Carl snorted, 'Dreams are nonsense,' and galloped away, but he could not forget Hans' words: 'The richest man in the valley will die tonight.'

He was obviously the richest man in the valley, so he invited his doctor to his house that evening.

Carl told the doctor what Hans had said. After a thorough examination, the doctor told the wealthy landowner, 'Carl, you are as strong and healthy as a horse. There is no way you are going to die tonight.'

Nevertheless, for assurance, the doctor stayed with Carl, and they played cards through the night.

The doctor left the next morning and Carl apologized for becoming so upset over the old man's dream.

At about nine o'clock, a messenger arrived at Carl's door.

'What is it?' Carl demanded.

The messenger explained, 'It's about old Hans. He died last night in his sleep.'

Mission Impossible

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:48:39 +0530

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?"

Ecstasy

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 04:00:14 +0530

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. Then, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It is too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. Moreover, he knew it would not be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again.

Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

Before and After Marriage

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 01:02:39 +0530

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to the top.

Indian Jews

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 01:15:32 +0530

Seinfield and George went to an Indian Restaurant and asked the Indian waiter, "Hey, tell us, are there any Indian Jews from India."

Just a new immigrant waiter answered "Me don't know but sure ask cook". He came back with a guilty look and said, "Sorry no Indian Jews please."

George got upset and yelled, "Of course there are Indian Jews like every where else in the world. I don't trust you. At one time Jews never had a country so Jews grew everywhere and definitely there are Indian Jews."

Scared, trying to get visa, the waiter ran back to kitchen and came with a trembling voice, "Sir me ask everybody there, cook, other waiters, cleaning lady, manager, but apologies, we don't got no Indian Jews, but we have Mango Juice, Badam Pista Juice, Ice Cream Juice but no Indian Jews to drink, Sorry."

Wrong Email

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:49:09 +0530

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... . Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husbands funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widows son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: 16 May 2004
Subject: Ive Reached

I know you're surprised to hear from me. I landed here safely. They gave computer here and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones....

Ive just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Eagerly waiting for you!

Regards
Your hubby

Guns n Potatoes !!

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 00:07:38 +0530

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 am the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

Moral:
No matter where you are in the world, if you have decided to do something deep from your heart you can do it. It is the thought that matters not where you are or where the person is.

Big Fish

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:56:19 +0530

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.

The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. "Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.

The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."

The Silent Treatment

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:50:32 +0530

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

Sacrifice

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:06:56 +0530

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman..

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all. So they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, She was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, All the men started clapping ...

Old Couple

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:24:12 +0530

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it �yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly:
"Mom didn�t allow me to go.......... .� :-) :-)

Marriage

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:57:01 +0530

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

And she said.
..
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"Then get up and take it yourself"!!

The Monkey King

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 04:14:17 +0530

One day long ago, some sailors set out to sea in their sailing ship. One of them brought his pet monkey along for the long journey.

When they were far out at sea, a terrible storm overturned their ship. Everyone fell into the sea, and the monkey was sure that he would drown. Suddenly a dolphin appeared and picked him up.

They soon reached the island and the monkey came down from the dolphin's back. The dolphin asked the monkey, "Do you know this place?"

The monkey replied, "Yes, I do. In fact, the king of the island is my best friend. Do you know that I am actually a prince?"

Knowing that no one lived on the island, the dolphin said, "Well, well, so you are a prince! Now you can be a king!"

The monkey asked, "How can I be a king?"

As the dolphin started swimming away, he answered, "That is easy. As you are the only creature on this island, you will naturally be the king!"

Sach Ka Saamna

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 23:44:28 +0530

Rahul's Dad brought home a robot one day.
The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.

Rahul returned late from school.
Dad asked, �Son why are you late from school?�
�Dad, we had extra classes today�.
Robot slapped Rahul on his face.
Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"
�Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments.�
Robot slapped Rahul on his face.

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Chameli Ki Jawaani".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved."
Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Rahul's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband, "After all, he's your son!"

The robot slaps the mom.

Cough it Up

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:01:31 +0530

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a cafe in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the cafe without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept!"

Mystery Solved !!

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 03:49:44 +0530

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth".

Indians will be Indians..

So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!

Senior Dating

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:58:12 +0530

Candice and Hazel , two "senior" widows, are talking.

Candice, "That nice Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Hazel, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

"Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Candice, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Candice, "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Hazel , "No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Don't Want to Go to School !!

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 02:09:40 +0530

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

How Management Works?

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:48:16 +0530

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired ?"

To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"

It's Called Decency

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:21:39 +0530

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

In a Doctor's Clinic

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:01:24 +0530

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him "OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you
won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Knowledge vs Expertise

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 01:35:37 +0530

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap ...... ...... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

A Gujarati Funeral

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:53:49 +0530

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Sunitaben and Varsha,

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts), please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Shantha.

PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.

Good Lover

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 23:19:10 +0530

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So, she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Married Couple

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 03:55:59 +0530

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.

Loyal Wife

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:17:51 +0530

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me..'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

Is This ... ?

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:16:28 +0530

"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more."

"Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

**** long pause***

|

|

v

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool ??? Is this 597-7039?"

Family Problems

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:36:00 +0530

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law."

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS?

Bachche aur Sir

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:51:44 +0530

Sir:- Bachcho kasam khao kabhi sharaab, cigarette nahi piyonge, Non veg nahi khaoge.
Bachche:- nahi karenge sir.

Sir:- Kabhi ladki ko nahi chhedonge.
Bachche:- theek hai sir.

Sir:- Jua nahi kheloge.
Bachche:- ok sir,

Sir:- Desh ke liye Jaan bhi de doge.

Bachche:- De denge sir, aisi jaan ka aur karenge bhi kya !!!!!

Position or Performance?

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:03:32 +0530

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai !

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ..

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God..

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED.'

Let Him Dig

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 02:34:17 +0530

An old man and an old woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Don't Copy if you can't Paste

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:05:47 +0530

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

A Kiss to Remember

Sat, 30 May 2009 02:08:48 +0530

A San Francisco cabby picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to promise you are single and #2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when ! they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says,

"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party

Impact of Job Change

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:07:45 +0530

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......u can imagine what went into my mind when u touched my back!!

Husband's Email

Wed, 20 May 2009 01:23:53 +0530

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: January 31, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Your Loving Hubby

Mind Your Language

Sat, 16 May 2009 03:42:39 +0530

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Ashley who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. John was ecstatic. Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer". The last of them was Ashley.

He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!!!!!!!........."

Moral of the story : Mind your language; you never know what it will land you in.

Terrible Accident

Thu, 14 May 2009 01:40:02 +0530

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

She replied, "Darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Stranded on a Desert Island

Mon, 11 May 2009 05:10:58 +0530

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.

The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

Horsback Riding

Sat, 09 May 2009 04:26:13 +0530

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

Confession

Thu, 07 May 2009 01:34:33 +0530

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest, "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy. Fortunately, you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues. So, I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?.... ..... Father?"

Suddenly, this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So, he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

Old Age Love

Wed, 06 May 2009 00:47:20 +0530

An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck".

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"TO GET MY TEETH..!!!"

Checking Antecedents ..

Sat, 02 May 2009 03:17:01 +0530

An important politician was seen moving around with a film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally decided to plunge into matrimony.
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job of looking into her antecedents and finding out if she had any previous affairs with men.

After a few days, the politician at last received his detective"s report, which went like this:

"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear; her family and friends all come from a very respectable background. No one has anything against her character. But yes, according to the grapevine, for the last couple of months she"s been frequently seen flirting with a politician with a dubious reputation."

Consultant

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 02:04:35 +0530

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the Shepherd:

"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks:
"If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant
From a top-notch consultancy like ---------.

"How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew,
And third, you don't understand anything about my business...

Now can I have my DOG back?"

Attitude is Everything

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 00:08:51 +0530

An old man lived alone in Minnesota.He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son,who would have helped him, was in prison.The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to misdoing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot, for me if you weren't in the prison.

Love,
Dad

Shortly,the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden !!That's where I buried the GUNS!!"

At 4 a.m.the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was:

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad It's the best I could do for you from here."

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT,. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE.

Do you know?

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:12:02 +0530

1. Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.
2. Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!
3. Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.
4. Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.
5. The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.
6. To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.
7. Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.
8. Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.
9. It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.
10. Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.
11. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
12. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
13. Those stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.
14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
15. Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.
16. Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.
17. At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.
18. There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.
19. Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot
20. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.